#Funny #Sex #Quotes

It’s so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers

If it wasn’t for pickpockets and frisking at airports I’d have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.
Steve Martin

When I’m good I’m very, very good but when I’m bad I’m better.
Mae West

What’s wrong with a little incest? It’s both handy and cheap.
James Agate

I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though.
Elton John

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen

A terrible thing happened to me last night again – Nothing.
Phyllis Diller

Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.
Woody Allen
My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers

It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
Marilyn Monroe

Oh Lord, give me chastity, but do not give it yet.
St Augustine

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.
Honore de Balzac

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Woody Allen

I’m glad I’m not bisexual. I couldn’t stand being rejected by men as well as women.
Bernard Manning

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “the man goes on top and the woman underneath”. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
Joan Rivers

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.
Arthur C. Clarke

I started out to be a sex fiend, but I couldn’t pass the physical.
Robert Mitchum